11 August 2006, Saturday

"Kilgore Trout once wrote a short story which was a dialogue between two pieces of yeast. They were discussing the possible purposes of life as they ate sugar and suffocated in their own excrement. Because of their limited intelligence, they never came close to guessing that they were making champagne." Kurt Vonnegut

I am at this moment sitting quietly in my little ‘cabin in the woods’. Sarina and Michelle left early this morning. I was in a tizzy, as usual. It is always, always so difficult for me to face being alone. Even though I know by heart - having experienced it so many times - exactly how the whole experience will go, I still feel this tremendous angst as I face aloneness. When I’ve had a loved one around a lot, daily, I begin to look forward to the opportunity to have some time to myself. I get a bit grouchy, feel a bit interfered with. As the moment of parting gets closer and closer, the desire to be alone is replaced by a strong fear of being alone. I don’t want everyone to leave; I don’t want to be alone. So I create some tizzy. Ack. Being human.

It is a delightful afternoon. I wish I could sit outside to write on the computer but I can’t see the screen in the outside light. It is a delight to write on this little laptop. The keys feel like a smooth flowing pen; the editor capitalizes and corrects spelling as I go along. Additionally, it is now ripping music files from my CD ‘Tibet Impressions’ so that I might listen as I write. I cannot help but be totally impressed with this fine technology. This is the first opportunity I’ve had to actually sit down and use this little laptop, other that emails. The grandkids have been watching movies on it and playing games - quite helpful on this long nights in the woods!

So, enough about this fine computer! I must begin now to think about what my future year will look like. I’m still reluctant to travel too far away, not yet knowing what Catherine’s needs will be this year. Yet, there is nothing to say that I can’t head down to New Mexico and Arizona sometime in early October, stay at the Trinity Monastery in St. David’s for a period of time, then return to Colorado in November. If Catherine needs support I could move up there in January. I know I could find a place to stay and work to do. Even if not the most profitable I could make it work. I will also hold open the option to go back to Delta H&R to work. And I may find options available to me in Arizona or New Mexico while there. Hilde and I talked about meeting up in Arizona in early November. Michelle and I talked about taking a trip together with Sarina in December. All of these ideas seem to flow together quite well.

I must work. I must generate an income along the way. I wish I knew how long I will want to stay in Arizona and how long my money will hold out. I will get on-line one of these days and look up some possibilities for work this winter. Workamper has been sending me emails by the scads so I assume there’s plenty of work to be had. I’m not sure how long I can tolerate tent camping. I wish I had a compatible traveling companion.

Okay, okay. But I have to find a purpose in life. Michelle is offering that with her writing and publishing possibilities but I can’t yet see how that will work for me. It is so difficult for me to live in Denver, though I might give it a try. However, I don’t want to have to lease an apartment for 6 or more months and I can’t see staying with Michelle for more than just a few days.

It’s such fun to watch campers come and go here. They arrive, check out a campsite as if they are the first to discover it, then settle in with all their gear. I think of my own past experiences of camping. Yet now as a camp host I see so many people come and go. I know that the site that someone is just newly discovering was just vacated an hour before. We always feel as if we’re the first ones there, but this little plot of land has a whole history of people coming and going.
A young couple from San Francisco just settled into campsite 8. Methinks they read about this campground in Backpacker magazine. Grrrr......

I swear, Jupiter seems to be as lonely and at loose ends as I am. He sits by the door today, all day, watching, watching.

Sometimes I think I do have this deep, deep fear of being alone and that’s really what all that angst is about. Yet, when I am alone - after a day or so - I sink into it just fine. I don’t need to ask why or what or anything. I actually enjoy going for a day or more without speaking to anyone. I look forward to spending an extended period of time in a monastery, living a monastic lifestyle for awhile, which will mean...... what? Long periods of silence and meditation; attending Mass daily; service.

I’m wanting some of my stuff from my storage unit: Autobiography of a Yogi, the Roof Bag.
I’ve just finished a dinner of ramen noodles. The refrigerator is on the blink. I must learn how to make tortillas.

It’s 8pm. I will take a walk along the creek then come in and meditate for 15 minutes tonight. I will now begin to set up a routine of meditation morning and night.